dear baby

this morning i had a half-waking dream that you were waiting for me to come pick you up and hold you. you missed me. i can't stop thinking about it. i can't wait until it's real. in the dream, you wanted to see my face. have i told you how much i want to see yours?

we went to a check-up for you last friday and got all good news. yay! mommy's weight and blood pressure and tummy measurements were great, and you are great. this time, we found your itty bitty beating heart faster than ever. as soon as the gel hit my stomach- there you were. hearing your heartbeat is my favorite part.

and guess what? i can feel you.

your first flips and kicks came one morning when i was laying in bed, thinking about getting up for the day. i felt a wave under my skin and immediately knew this strange feeling must be from you. i waited for another ripple, just to make sure that i wasn't imagining things. it came. it was you! it was a thing too wonderful. i turned over to my side to see if you would follow me, and sure enough, you did. seconds later, i was reaching for the ipad on the nightstand to send your dad the good news. i was wild with excitement. ever since that morning, your fluttering has become more and more familiar, but it hasn't lost any of the magic. your dad happened to have his hand on my stomach when you gave us your strongest kick yet. way to go! we were sufficiently impressed and proud.

sometimes i lay down just to see if you'll flip for me. it makes me so happy to feel that surge under my skin and know that you are real. in fact, you are moving right now as i type this. do you know that i'm writing to you? the other night your dad and i were watching the shawshank redemption (one of our favorites) and before i knew it, he had fallen asleep and you had woken up. there i was on the living room floor, laughing at every flutter you gave. we were the only two that got the joke. it really does feel funny. and miraculous.

there are loads of sweet people that are waiting for you here. everybody's excited for june. your grandma renee sent you some classical music in the mail, which your mommy loves. i'm just amazed to think that you can hear it, too! i think you'll like it for naptime. and your grandma judy is giving you a super cool vintage tub, and her yummy roast beef, carrots, and potatoes at sunday dinner. i make sure to take seconds. you know, for you.

the baby book phase has hit your mom hard this week. i can't get enough information about you and what you're up to. i wish there was a window in my tummy so i could at least check in on you from time to time. i think the library books are doing the trick, though. the more i read, the more i'm pulled into the reality of you being, growing, and eventually coming. i think this information hunger is really stemming from me wanting to feel close to you. i know it sounds cliche, but i have this huge desire to bond with you. i'm craving it. 

a few weeks ago i unplugged the miniature christmas tree by my kitchen sink. as i was taking it down to the basement, i realized that the next time i plug it in, you'll be here. in the house with me! wow. i wonder what we'll do? i've been thinking about what kind of a mom i will be- what i want to be. i want you to know that i'm already praying hard about this. i'm praying that you will have a selfless, gentle, and wise mom.

your dad played drums in church last week. i wonder if you heard him. he's amazing. i can't wait to see you two together.

loves,
your mom

ps. i can see your profile in your ultrasound pictures... you are already more adorable than i dreamed.