the minute Hadley is happy in her swing or settled down for a nap my mind is absolutely reeling with thoughts of all the things i am going to get done. that is how i tick. i am a hopeless perfectionist who thrives on being producive and is easily stressed when things pile up. but, i can't let myself get carried away with the to-do list because the job will no doubt be interrupted before i finish. i will hear her almost 4-month-old voice carry through the house, and my progress will stop. time's up! and then i have a choice. let my heart sink at the thought of everything that didn't get done, or be grateful for a tiny baby that needs me and will surely be smiling when i pick her up and say, "hi, babycakes!".
priorities. they get absolutely skewered when your first baby hits the scene. sleeping and eating and surviving are your assignments. but now that sleep has become a regular part of life again, other jobs are back in the front of my mind. and i am constantly asking myself "should i be doing this right now?" -constantly trying to pinpoint what is the most pressing. my to-do tasks feel like so many shuffled cards rather than an ordered list. any one of them could be the most important thing at the moment. gradually i am stacking them up though, realizing the things that can wait, and remembering that real life comes with interruptions. and i pray that when they show up uninvited to my being-productive party, i will respond in a joyful way. maybe i can even learn to expect them, realizing the oppprtunity to see God design my day. (did i think I was in control?)
so for the time being, the bits of my day where i can accomplish things are random, and i am still figuring out how to best manage it. i do struggle with feeling behind, feeling like i am letting people down. some nights i go up to our room and lament the fact that our sheets aren't freshly washed and the stuff that was sitting on the floor yesterday is still there today. but (note to self:) this is the season i am in, it won't always be like this, and i can't handle it on my own. this is what the Lord has given me today! and i say welcome to it. His grace is sufficient for today. by His grace, Hadley will be mothered, the scrambled egg pan will get scrubbed, and the toilet paper will be replenished. and miracle of miracles, maybe an email will even be responded to! but only by His grace.
ps. there were innumerable interruptions in the writing of this post. it takes an average of 3 days now to complete and hit publish on my thoughts :)
October 6, 2011